Mom is Venting

Ok, girls - darling daughters - contrary to previous posts and life itself - this is not directly all about you. Today it is about a small, three-letter word...M-O-M. Yep - it's about me and how I'm feeling.

I've always been tenacious. Some might say a mix of determination and bull-headedness. But that was because I wanted to BE someone - I wanted to succeed and achieve great things. I have always worked hard for everything. I started competitive swimming when I was very young, fought for attention when my brother and sister were born, battled for positions on other sports teams, worked for good grades, good summer jobs, college scholarships and internships. I worked hard, hard HARD financially and emotionally to graduate from college. I was determined to raise you, Bailey - although I didn't have a clue how I would do that on my own. But the desire to prove that I did NOT fit the stereotype society often puts on single Moms drove me. I WAS going to find good-paying jobs, I WAS going to graduate before the turn of the century, I WAS going to make it and prove that I was somebody - a smart, successful somebody.

I was climbing higher on the corporate ladder each year. Sometimes it was measured by income, or responsibility, and sometimes it was measured by the respect I was beginning to receive.

The funny thing was, as much as I wanted to prove myself and provide better for Bailey, in my heart I knew I would have given anything to have stayed home with her - to walk her to the park, to watch her pinch Cheerios into your mouth, or to greet her sleepy face and feel her warm, tight hug after an afternoon nap. I envied my stay-at-home friends. While I was sitting in a mandatory staff meeting, they were folding hot onesies out of the dryer as Barney or Teletubbies sang in the background.

Ironically, just as I was feeling accomplished and respected in the workplace, a HUGE blessing dropped itself into my lap. A husband, a Dad for Bailey, a new family, a new life, a new beginning. When Mark and I talked about our life, we both agreed that staying home would be a tremendous thing for all of us. It was what I had always dreamed of! Of course Bailey was older now, but she still needed me. I was giddy with excitement! Take this job and shove it - I'm going to be too busy organizing classroom parties and school fundraisers. And in my spare time I'm going to be baking cookies for an after-school snack, trying out new recipes and maybe going to the mall in the middle of the bleepin' day! In my minivan no less. Woo-Hoo!

I can honestly say I just LOVED it! And I noticed how much Bailey did too. She couldn't wait to tell me about her day at school, her friendships and more. Prior to staying home it was like pulling teeth to have a conversation like that. I think by the time I was home from the office, she was tired, hungry and had already told the story. This was truly wonderful. I couldn't understand why former colleagues and friends were asking me if I was bored. BORED? Are you kidding me?! I'm loving this! I've dreamed of it for years!

And then the following year, Lauren was born. Oh, I can't tell you how I was looking forward to all of the things I missed with Bailey. I was going to be there this time - a full-fledged stay-at-home Mom of a newborn baby. No maternity leave, no going back to work anxieties, no daycare illnesses, no pumping breast milk in the company bathroom - none of that. And it has been amazing so far. Even the days where I'm so tired, feeling unappreciated or even invisible - I am looking at each day as a blessing - a huge, huge, HUGE blessing.

But lately I've been feeling a little sad. You see, all of my old stay-at-home friends are now back to work (kids grow). And some of my younger friends that I met through my PR work are now starting their own families....but they are working. Not only working, but accomplishing what seems like amazing work....they are meeting their goals, starting their own companies - reallly proving themselves in the business world. I'm not jealous of that - but it leaves me feeling inadequate somehow. And those friendships changed too. Suddenly it feels like we are living in different worlds with absolutely nothing in common. They are off signing contracts, publishing their writings, building Web sites and more, never calling or emailing anymore, while I am vacuuming goldfish crumbs and scraping fruit puffs from the furniture. I'm feeling invisible and unimportant.

But just as I kick off my pity party, Bailey wakes up and with child-like enthusiasm asks me if we can give each other pedicures or go to the pool today. Or Lauren learns to climb the stairs or gives me a big belly-laugh or starts bouncing up and down in that baby dance sort of way when music plays on TV and I quickly snap out of it. Who needs a fat paycheck or respect from people you will not know or even remember in 10 years when I'm rewarded every single day with big hugs, drooly, open-mouthed kisses and the laughter of my two favorite girls?

My working mom friends/business people I used to be close with? More power to 'em. I respect their successes and am cheering them on. I just need to remember that I've been there and worked hard to be there....and all the while I was there I was dreaming of this.....ALL of this...and I need to thank God every single day for it. My accomplishments might not show up in the pages of a magazine or on a conference call....but hopefully they'll show up in the lives of these girls. In the choices they make at school, the friends they choose to keep and the lives they will touch. And I hope someday they remember how much I loved them - and how even on the bad days when I had paycheck, career accomplishment envy - that I wouldn't have traded staying home with them for anything in the world.....not even chocolate.